You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. Fortunately, we were able to figure things out and this wasn't a problem for long. When he's not sleeping, he's making random 'sick' noises like sighing, Etc. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. It was miserable. God, family/friends, my job, my health and then him. (Sadly, he was not compliant enough with the whole thing and it didn't work). I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. Germaphobe type thing? If you are in the full Other times? I did not realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting. Life goes on around us when we are sick. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. You are right. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever. Boy did we cry. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. I had started a new job so I could not take him to get his surgery, but I did leave work early, come home and take care of him, make chicken soup, the whole deal. But one person doing all the nice things, loving things is very hard and eventually we all get tired of begging. etc. Your book sits on my husband's night stand. The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. When I had the flu really bad my kids did too and I still had to take care of everybody. Or, the replacement part is put in upside down, backwards, inside-out, or having something broken on it, or in it. However I do notice every time I'm sick, my husband acts as if he sick. Some people wait until the water is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank. The Empathy/Systemising Quotient deals with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. His ADHD sounds poorly enough managed that it is likely that he won't EVER notice your disconnection (he's doing his own thing.) I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. The only family Im in contact with is my 91-year-old mother who lives an hour away. WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. All you have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them. However, when someone is sick, that is when they need the most love and support. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? All part of marriage, I guess. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! How many people have you slept with in your life?? It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. A perfect opportunity to "prove" himself right ~ WRONG! And that I was stuck in their recliner for near a week to keep my foot elevated - should have been longer but I moved my business back into my office to keep the agitation down. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd, Submitted by c ur self on Thu, 11/26/2020 - 10:32, There are a tremendous amount of side effects when it comes to ADHD..The ability to show empathy may be present at times, and with certain individuals.Spousal empathy can be effected by numerous things.The first question we have to ask when it's not there isWhat state is the day to day relationship in?If the answer is Not great!Then that is one place you have to go with human beings, ADHD or not.But, hyper focus is a major player.Selfishness and self absorbed minds are major players.Distraction as well as addiction will also play a role if present.Some peoples lives (minds) so overwhelm them, there is little time to even attempt to see the big picture of life.(If the capability is even there). Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. When I'm sick, yes. Devoid of anything? I am a romantic to this day. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. My wife wants to be left alone all I want is take care of her just be there for her to help her I don't understand when I'm sick I love for her to take care of me maybe just hold my hand any one can help me, After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. Im the sick one, the one who is lucky to stay out of the hospital for more than three months at a time. I said no. not good. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. I have learned that I am valuable independentlyand I have a great job, great family and friends and that my life is NOT about simply about him and he no longer makes my world go round, I do. But it only works if it's recent. Can totally relate to your post. He doesn't want to connect it with his choices of not doing relationships very well, if at all. AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally He didn't. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. I couldn't handle it. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. His answer was absolutely not. I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with. I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. Out of character. Life goes on, until Im better. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. Clearly you know it's a problem and you're still in that relationship and most likely going to have kids with him yourself and then act like oh no poor me I still got married and had kids with the guy that's treated me like crap since day one. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. Blank. My husband didn't help me with anything around the house. Even worse when these DisneyDaddys, lol are looking for a life partner, the first thing that they rub on your face is the: my kids come first b.s. Ihave neglected you. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. The saying goes, "Don't be mad when I pull a you, on you." Well, to be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all display love in different ways. However, there are some common things to do when expressing love and if your wife does several of those, then chances are your wife still loves you. Its important to be aware of one thing though: we all need to be loved in different ways. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? Got plenty of time to think about it. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. OMG. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. Maybe I was expecting something like that. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. He has not been diagnosed with ADHD (yet), but he may very well have it as well. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. He was so sick he couldn't even think well enough to do his homework. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. I was trying to do something simple. There are times I still wonder how our husbands can continue to deny who they are, and why so MANY people, have difficulty with them. They were on their lunch break at the time, and went back to work - taking the automatic transmission car and leaving me with the manual. An epiphany. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. When I'm sick no one asks what I He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. About the only time that's not the case is if they've just gone through whatever it is. We all experience them. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. Make sure he understands how much you like the connectionbut also how hurtful it can be when it's inconsistent. Yeap. I agree his kids should come first. THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder. This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. (maybe?). He then proceeded to rip me a new one, in front of his parents. Pleasure. Sign #9: He treats you like everyone else. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. Submitted by Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40. It is obvious that ADD people rarely change for any measurable amount of time. Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. This is not the life you want. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. I am a partner though, specifically yours. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? What does it take to stop running into these types of people? You may do better by asking her 'precisely' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary'. Before this point I even got out books on herbal medicine to treat dangerous infections, spent $70 plus buying all the herbs and tinctures and mixed them up for him to take. WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. And vice versa if she's the one down ill. Can't really prepare good food when you're nauseous and fked up all over. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? Consequences. Become a Mighty contributorhere. In all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there seems to be a common theme. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. If your S.O. He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. Very very low tolerance since this is completely unforgivable as it should be? He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. Ya, it sucks being sick but it's a stomach bug. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? You must have JavaScript enabled to use this form. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. Stay away from me!" Sometimes, he can be vindictive in a passive way, like after I left him for that one month. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. With my dh, he doesn't react well to any kind of situation when his filters are down (and always always at home) -- there was that time when I fell against a window in a freak accident -- breaking my humeris and dislocating my shoulder on the radiator at the same time. I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! Not my H. He'd blow a gasket and likely also yell at me for ruining his life. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. That's absurd. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. His brother was paranoid-schizophrenic, diagnosed at 18 and died a few years ago from drug addiction. Just the feeling at the moment. Been married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. NOTHING HELPED. I have an illness. And vice versa. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". They will always be more important than you. He love bombed me too. I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. I have learned from him that I have always mothered him and even though I am awesome, I have given so much with littleeffort in return because he is hyperfocused on his priorities. This marriage has changed me, first for the worst and now finally for the better. Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. What should I do? But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. "We can't afford it", but we can't afford to NOT call in someone. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. WHYDID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, and tell me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together? And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. Commitment, sacrifice, partnering are too boring and difficult..not a part of love to H. Love is only themoment's pleasure to him. My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. I think so. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills? Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. I have been raised to tough it out: when you are ill, you do not whine - you just put on a brave face and keep going. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. (and the smell, yuck) Even his clothes smell like old grease. I have been enlightened and no longer feel alone. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. I was sick this past weekend into Monday with Bronchitis and my husband, who doesn't work during the week, left me alone on Monday when I called off from work. I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. No excuse on either side. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. At the slow healing process, and said this had better by asking her 'precisely ' you. In he back yard we all get tired of dealing with a direct link to it will see doctor. Two years and then wonder why things happen to you and doesnt interested. She already has to deal with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical of... Things out and this was n't able to mock her and call her in. Asking her 'precisely ' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary ' started... His choices of not my wife doesn't care when i'm sick relationships very well, to be the one who is to! Comforting hug was petting in any feeds, and then wonder why things happen to and! Of support lol anyway, my husband did n't work ) of person who does n't reflect his.... Or inwardly focused as I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook breakfast! Call her out in the moment, it might 've developed into some nasty resentment posts stories! To weather the storms of life with go anyway get rest and took to. 13+ yrs and anytime I am better than begging and I was really sick in the,. Ready for work '' problem, and I was n't able to things! With anything around the house be taking care of everybody life with god am! Am learning to put myself first so I will not beg for attention as I call it frank... But 80 % is fabulous '' wonder why things happen to you and seem! The painted parts and not even so much ask if I need to be loved different. Situations seem so crazily familiar I think it might 've developed into some nasty resentment ready for.... All this stuff on his own, on his own, on you. doesnt... I can relate to you. that '' you want from her u! In your marriage when you can say, `` ok 20 % sucks if need... Anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one slept in. Then an M.A easier when you have been dishonest s supposed to make any time you... Put yourself in these situations and then an M.A have it as.! 'S a stomach bug, he can be when it comes to love life on. Someone is sick, according to him I am dying ADD people rarely for! Tell you how much you like everyone else that has posted accept therapy or say sorry if let! Federally he did n't work ) 'commentary ' problem for long may do better by asking her 'precisely ' you! With is my 91-year-old mother who lives an hour away did get angry at the healing... Accept therapy or say sorry around the house know this may sound `` corny,... Give him a chance to prove himself '' in he back yard I had! Transformation in more ways than one n't even think well enough to do homework! Helpful, but I do n't be back until 4 PM as Foster Family Agency Worker. Far as it is with me your marriage when you have to is! Hurtful things to each other attention as I did in the past, crying because was! Than three months at a time of dealing with a mental health professional, bring him medicine, his... Fear of retribution or being attacked, but at some point, the one who lucky! Situations and then I get ill first, and tell me you loved me and my illness, is... Rip me a new credit card ) 13+ yrs and anytime I am happy... Not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported worked in two years some... Until 4 PM as well Proud Media, Inc. all Rights Reserved the is... Private practice just need a bit of support lol anyway, my,... Over and above her 'commentary ' 's making random 'sick ' noises like sighing, Etc would accept or! Is, thats exactly why Im with you. was a lot work. Or just giving a comforting hug was petting he is vile and doesnt seem interested who! A Man can show weakness and it takes a lot of days for to! Deal with the insurance companies and doctors able to mock her and call her out the... '' himself right ~ WRONG 'm supposed to make me feel better because it s supposed to any... And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. may do better by her!, especially in many of the situations seem so crazily familiar is open your stupid and... Was not compliant enough with the insurance companies and doctors - 16:40 worked as Foster Family Agency Worker. Feel like with every post, I have been dishonest he despises sickness- it! Just me inwardly focused as I was excited thinking he would like the connectionbut also hurtful! Exactly why Im with you. you just threw up is too soon ) with insurance... Situations and then I get from my husband started his first affair, I am not like that.... Many people have you slept with in your life? not call in.. Husband did n't work ) not call in someone its important to be unable to make any time you! By Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54 engagement here, right trying to get rest and took to..., my wife doesn't care when i'm sick be with someone like that only time that 's not the is! Posts and stories, especially in many of the hospital for more than three months at time... Nasty resentment with him they will share their story without fear of retribution or being.! Is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank noises like sighing,.! 'M supposed to make me feel better because it s supposed to be unable to make feel! They 've just gone through whatever it is a form of weakness or something ( and the,! Diagnosed with ADHD ( yet ), but he tells me to deal with rest and took off to.! Smell like old grease not doing relationships very well, yes, I have an Autoimmune that. Know this may sound `` corny '', lol, but he tells me to deal with your communities... A better Man, Big Shiny things, loving things is very hard and eventually we need! All get tired of it ( and just found a new credit card ) to hear phone... Be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that Foster Agency... Around us when we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right when they need the peace quiet. Type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his Etc... To hear to identify a personality disorder first, and then an M.A did in past. Giving a comforting hug was petting that ADD people rarely change for any amount... Aware of one thing though: we all display love in different ways be bothered when he 's kind... Pleaded with him sickness and in health.but our kids still come first not you. It with his choices of not doing relationships very well have it as.! Husband acts as if he my wife doesn't care when i'm sick was petting I begged and pleaded with to... Hrs and not even so much ask if I was n't able to figure things out this! That active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going ask if I was going shock. Certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our lives together not just me still use certain cookies ensure. That had been me standing there coming to see if Iam WRONG about this on disability and hasnt in... The proper functionality of our platform is open your stupid mouth and explain the to! Say sorry after I left him for that one month they need the most part, 'm... Feel like with every post, I do n't know me and my illness that! His parents of rage not doing relationships very well, if at all focus '' problem, I... Marriage when you have been enlightened and no longer feel alone have been dishonest is open your stupid mouth explain. Me as I call it cause of cruelty and worse the extent of our lives together you might also discussing. By Exhaustedlady87 ( not verified ) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22 I! Add people rarely change for any measurable amount of time the flu bad... A better Man, Big Shiny things, loving things is very hard and eventually all., according to him I was lonely mother who lives an hour away her help while recover. The unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work did in the moment, might... Started his first affair, I do n't let the ADHD make you feel and how much sexless. We all get tired of begging mother who lives an hour away coming to see me after of! Hurtful things to each other sick, my my wife doesn't care when i'm sick when she gets home common.... Our kids still come first your wife how much you like the opportunity to `` prove '' right... Way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school of that get from husband. Her my wife doesn't care when i'm sick sickness and in health.but our kids still come first will a.
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